Teething by candlelight

People always talk about childbirth as this horrendous, awful thing. And maybe I really am suffering from that wonderful birth amnesia, but I would posit that there is something far worse than childbirth: Teething.

Obviously, I’m not experiencing physical pain. But dealing with a baby who is absolutely miserable, and you are helpless to aid, is a test of sanity and drive like no other. Particularly when the misery involves fever and an inability to sleep. Let’s just say I’m not all sweetness and roses and patience after 2 days of not sleeping. ;) In some sense, perhaps teething is helping Evan on his journey to sainthood?

It was a rough weekend, the kind where you look at each other and say “WE want kids, we WANT kids, we want KIDS!” Or at least some similar high school cheer to lift your spirits. Going back and forth between complete frustration and giggle fits from lack of sleep is a special kind of bonding experience. We were both amazed at how much closer we felt after 3 days of consistently canceled plans, no sleep, and many failed attempts to try something other than hang out in our living room. Hanging out in the Urgent care for 2 hours consoling a baby with a rather uncomfortable apparatus attached wasn’t exactly the change of pace we’d been hoping for. We both felt a newfound sense of camaraderie after the battle, though.

There was one canceled plan that had an unintended good side, however. I was supposed to sing with the choir at the 5:30pm mass, but since we still had mystery fever at that point, we decided we needed to split up and keep the baby at home. Evan went to 5:30 in my place because she decided not to nap and just wanted mommy, and thankfully, she went to bed by 8:45 and I was able to slip out to the 9pm candlelight mass.

Upon entering the church, I was immediately taken back to so many wonderful high school and college experiences of late night worship. Perhaps it was the exhaustion of my weekend, but 9pm mass felt like a 6am mass after an all night lock-in. The dark church, lit by a combination of dimmed lights and candles, was breathtaking. I picked a seat close to the front, which I haven’t done in a long time, and immersed myself into the blissful silence. My unintended candlelit date with my Lord and Savior was exactly what I didn’t realized I needed, more than anything.

Things weren’t immediately “fixed,” but I felt a similar newfound sense of camaraderie. If Jesus is for us, who can be against us, right? Even if what you’re fighting against is a tiny (and adorable) tooth viciously cutting its way through a baby's gums.

Turning in.

I’m still trying to figure out the balance between the mom I wanted to be or envisioned myself being, and actual real life.

Today was one of those days. I finally packed up my home office, and delivered everything back to my amazing employer for the past two years, the Daughters of Charity.

It all makes sense, of course! From a financial standpoint, hiring childcare in order to work didn’t make much sense. From a family goal perspective, we never wanted to hire childcare in the first place. From a mom-in-the-trenches perspective, trying to accomplish tasks that require deep concentration in time for deadlines was getting nearly impossible the moment the baby went mobile – not to mention trying to make professional phone calls with baby yelling “a-WOO a-WOOOOO!” in the background. It made both the work and the care for the baby extremely stressful – and neither were getting the proper attention as a result. Of course, I left the ultimate decision up to God in lots and lots (and LOTS) of prayer, and found real peace in the decision to move to the next stage of my life as a full-time stay at home mom.

But, all of that aside, the job was amazing. I was never career focused because of my vocational family goals, and always said I never knew what my dream job would be, but I found it when I was hired by the Daughters. My title was a mouthful: “Coordinator for Vincentian Educator Formation.” It was the most fun I’ve ever had, and probably the hardest I’ve ever worked, and definitely the most rewarded I’ve ever felt by a job – present company excluded, as I chase my baby around the room in between sentences. I got to work with the most inspiring people, who do amazing work every single day helping vulnerable and marginalized children. I got to learn more about my Catholic faith and the Vincentian Heritage and meet living saints of our lifetime. It really was the perfect culmination of my education and volunteer experience with the Vincentians and Daughters. And, for that season of my life, it was a wonderful job.

Turning in my stuff today was extremely bittersweet. I made some wonderful friends, and had the best boss anyone could ask for. But watching my baby crawl across the floor, exploring the world – only to come eagerly back to the one person she always knows, and relies on – I know I’ve made the right call.

So that brings me back to the beginning. I’m still trying to figure out the balance between fantasy stay-at-home-everything-organic-and-homemade-mom, and real stay-at-home-loves-being-an-active-part-of-so-many-things-there’s-not-enough-time-to-make-everything-from-scratch-mom, too. I firmly believe that my staying home and dedicating that zeal and enthusiasm to raising our kids is exactly where I’m called to be right now, and it’s an amazing vocation that I feel unbelievably blessed by.

Sometimes knowing all that still doesn’t make the hardest choices feel any easier. 

Distractions

You start unloading the dishwasher, when you hear the phone ring. Mid-conversation, the baby is about to pull your purse on top of herself, and you scoop her out of harms way - only to realize she now needs a diaper change. Then she's hungry, and finally you find yourself standing in the kitchen again wondering why the dishwasher is still full.

While that may be a common loop for parents, we all get distracted in other ways, too. One of my biggest distractions is reading. I can get so absorbed in a good book that I forget I'm reading, and I stop paying attention to and can even completely tune out everything going on around me. "What dishes?" "Sure, she can eat that day-old pasta on the floor." It's great on vacation, and not so great in the middle of a busy afternoon. During Lent, I tried to really control what I was reading, and it was one of the hardest (and most rewarding) Lenten sacrifices I've done. Every time I had the opportunity to read, I forced myself to do a liturgy of the hours or spiritual reading instead. It definitely felt a bit like forcing myself to eat my vegetables, but I felt much healthier afterwards.

Of course, post-Easter it was easy to let up. I have gotten absorbed into several good fiction books since then. But the experience was eye opening, and I keep coming back to it. The more spiritual reading I do, the more connected I feel to my faith. The more connected I feel, the easier it is to pray. The more I pray, the more I am able to live a life tuned to God's frequency. As much fun as the Easter season is, with its discounted chocolates and sunshine, I definitely need a little more Lent in my daily life!

"The Catholic Church is enough."

I read this article from Bad Catholic the other day, and I felt really challenged by it. I often throw around words like liberal and conservative, traditional and progressive, and sadly they have become very much a part of my faith discussions too. The challenge to remember that Catholic literally means universal, and is rendered untrue by any sort of labeling, is a hard one!

I think the "faithful Catholic" modifier was the most important example for me, especially as we so often distinguish between practicing and non-practicing.

You relinquish your claim on “faithful Catholic” the moment you watch porn. You are unorthodox at the precise moment you snap at your children. “Faithful” can scarcely be upheld as a modifier until you’re dead, buried, and canonized. “Trying to be faithful,” maybe, but again, attaching this modifier to Catholicism undermines the fact that striving for faithfulness is implied in simply being Catholic, lending itself to the false idea that there are other types of Catholic to be.

There are many different devotions, lots of different music, and all the different languages of the world that celebrate Catholicism. It's a beautiful and diverse tapestry of people! But for those of us who call the Catholic Church home, we're all united by the fact that we're sinners, and we need Her to get to our heavenly home.

There's the marble I've been looking for!

It's pretty typical 10 month old stuff, really. The sleepless nights (and occasionally, days) associated with teething, learning to crawl, learning to pull herself up, learning to speak and understand words - add in being sick on and off, and it's a miracle that she sleeps at all!

In the midst of all the baby-hubbub, I often find myself surrounded in a war zone by the end of the day, with no energy left to tackle the mess. Enter superman! Evan has become an expert baby-bather, caked-on-food high chair scrubber, and general daddy playground.

However, there's still always one more marble missing in the search for sanity. Needing to feel my own bit of accomplishment, to be the supermom rather than always just the damsel in distress. This is the hardest part, in my opinion, of living far away from family - no backup. Quite by accident, I've discovered a beautiful solution that I highly recommend! Two words: babysitting swap.

Imagine it, stay at home moms. I cleaned my kitchen, sorted my cabinets, bought, brought home, and PUT AWAY my groceries, all without my darling little one pulling on my pant leg or trying to steal the mail. (Well, ok, she still managed to steal the mail when I brought her home. She's good at that.) In a span of about 2 hours, I felt accomplished, productive, and rejuvenated in the odd way that having a clean house does for me. And, for 2 hours today, and 2 hours tomorrow while we watch the other darling little girl, my daughter gets to have a playdate, too.

But the real supermom feeling comes later - when I actually feel like I have something left to give my marriage at the end of the day. And that for me is the pearl of great price!

He makes all things new

Most of the folks who will read this blog probably read the blog I wrote during my time preparing for and in Kenya, A Servant's Song. I really enjoyed sharing my spiritual journey in written form, and I've recently been thinking about how I could continue to do so - and not just be "another mommy blog."

I may not be a Pinterest-worthy chef, or an Etsy artist, but I do manage to find God in my kitchen (no, He wasn't hiding in the tomatoes), and especially in the special moments holding my beautiful baby girl. Parenting is a spiritual journey, and a dying to self as only other parents really understand. He truly has made me new - and I'm constantly learning more about humility, and especially love. But, I'm also the old me, too... and finding that balance is another part of the tapestry.

Sometimes I find the ride to be drastically different than I expected. My faith, lifestyle, and parenting opinions have all become melded together into something I never could have planned - an amalgamation of styles to be good stewards of the earth, devout believers, and still try to survive on a single income in one of the most expensive cities in the United States. But then again, God always has His own plan in mind...

So, I invite you to journey with me, and maybe enjoy a cup of Fair Trade tea, while we muse on the creator of the universe - and the life of a Modern Catholic Parent - Cheerios and all. Welcome!