Turning in.

I’m still trying to figure out the balance between the mom I wanted to be or envisioned myself being, and actual real life.

Today was one of those days. I finally packed up my home office, and delivered everything back to my amazing employer for the past two years, the Daughters of Charity.

It all makes sense, of course! From a financial standpoint, hiring childcare in order to work didn’t make much sense. From a family goal perspective, we never wanted to hire childcare in the first place. From a mom-in-the-trenches perspective, trying to accomplish tasks that require deep concentration in time for deadlines was getting nearly impossible the moment the baby went mobile – not to mention trying to make professional phone calls with baby yelling “a-WOO a-WOOOOO!” in the background. It made both the work and the care for the baby extremely stressful – and neither were getting the proper attention as a result. Of course, I left the ultimate decision up to God in lots and lots (and LOTS) of prayer, and found real peace in the decision to move to the next stage of my life as a full-time stay at home mom.

But, all of that aside, the job was amazing. I was never career focused because of my vocational family goals, and always said I never knew what my dream job would be, but I found it when I was hired by the Daughters. My title was a mouthful: “Coordinator for Vincentian Educator Formation.” It was the most fun I’ve ever had, and probably the hardest I’ve ever worked, and definitely the most rewarded I’ve ever felt by a job – present company excluded, as I chase my baby around the room in between sentences. I got to work with the most inspiring people, who do amazing work every single day helping vulnerable and marginalized children. I got to learn more about my Catholic faith and the Vincentian Heritage and meet living saints of our lifetime. It really was the perfect culmination of my education and volunteer experience with the Vincentians and Daughters. And, for that season of my life, it was a wonderful job.

Turning in my stuff today was extremely bittersweet. I made some wonderful friends, and had the best boss anyone could ask for. But watching my baby crawl across the floor, exploring the world – only to come eagerly back to the one person she always knows, and relies on – I know I’ve made the right call.

So that brings me back to the beginning. I’m still trying to figure out the balance between fantasy stay-at-home-everything-organic-and-homemade-mom, and real stay-at-home-loves-being-an-active-part-of-so-many-things-there’s-not-enough-time-to-make-everything-from-scratch-mom, too. I firmly believe that my staying home and dedicating that zeal and enthusiasm to raising our kids is exactly where I’m called to be right now, and it’s an amazing vocation that I feel unbelievably blessed by.

Sometimes knowing all that still doesn’t make the hardest choices feel any easier.