Oh, right... I have a blog!

Well, blog, this is awkward. How long have you been standing there...?

Perhaps I can make it up to you with a new post! Things have been... a little chaotic since last we spent time together. Since then, Evan and I got pregnant, I was sick and disappeared from most of society for about 2.5 months, Evan successfully started, ran, and completed a long distance job search to Seattle, we moved up north, daughter and I went to my brother's wedding, she learned to walk, talk and transition to a big girl bed, and got all four molars all at once (the week of the move, of course) and now we're busy prepping for our son's arrival in March! It's been a whirlwind of activity, sickness, sleepless nights, and a heck of a lot of work. (and fun!)

In all of this, I'm sad to say that nap time ended up being used for just about anything but blogging. Packing, organizing, planning, cleaning... and occasionally even sleeping when I could. Funny thing about parenting - free time is the hardest thing to come by, and still the first thing to go when time is cut short. But, thanks to the hard work of my husband, and the eventual dwindling of the "Oh my goodness these things needed to get finished two weeks ago!!!" list we've been working on, balance is finally starting to reappear.

I've had so many thoughts over the past few months that I've wanted to turn into blog posts, but unfortunately time and (especially) poor mommy memory has faded most of these ideas into broken fragments. Some of them may come back to me, but in the meantime, I think I'll just pick up writing again about the here and now. After all, who wants to spend their free time playing catch up? ;)

So, I'll write about waiting. Waiting is hard! Patience is a virtue and all, but sometimes I fail to be a very virtuous person.

December contains so many feasts and celebrations and opportunities for prayer. I love that the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe falls during Advent, because it's such a neat way of reflecting on that unique image of Mary; fully in tune with God's very will, right within her womb. Waiting. This has been my second pregnant Advent. Even though most days it's easier for me to reflect on the challenges of pregnancy rather than the joys, uniting my experience to Mary and knowing that she experienced the same period of waiting, aches and pains and all, actually helps me to focus more on the spiritual joy of Advent. Waiting for the Christ-child. I know every mother experiences pregnancy differently, and for some women it is physically and emotionally a joyful experience. Unfortunately, I fall into the category of needing to find it an emotionally joyful experience, and some days I do better at that than others. My (least) favorite phrase I've been told by midwives and OBs alike is that the cure for X problem I'm experiencing is giving birth. More waiting.

And so, like Mary, I wait. I am SO excited to meet our son in March. For every ache and pain and nausea I experienced with our daughter, it was all as nought the moment she was born. I was instantly blown away by the miracle of her tiny little life resting on my chest. My life has never been the same. I know that the moment he is born, no part of the hard journey getting there will matter in the slightest. And just as our earthly life is merely practice, preparing us for our eternal home, I know that these challenges and this waiting for the joyful arrival of my son is but a mere blip in comparison to the joy that awaits us in Him. It's Gaudete Sunday! The day to rejoice as we remember Who it is that we are waiting for. There is no greater love, no greater prize, than to be united with Him who loved us into our very existence. And so, we wait. Not with tears and with sackcloth, but with joyful hope in our Savior! Happy Gaudete Sunday everyone!

Natural Family Planning - not your grandmother's Rhythm Method.

Although July did not turn out to be the blogging month I had hoped for (more on that later), I started this post last week as part of the Catholic Church's Natural Family Planning awareness week. Better late than never!

Science is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. The more scientists discover about how the human body, the world, and the universe work, the more questions get asked, and the more answers get discovered! The coolest thing to me about learning is every time I absorb something new, it makes me realize how many more things out there I don't know. Evan and I are totally geeking out about the reboot of Cosmos scheduled to start sometime in 2014. But, I digress...

The reason why NFP (Natural Family Planning) isn't the ol' Rhythm Method is simple. Science! We've discovered so much about the female reproductive system and fetal development, and one of the biggest takeaways is this: Every woman is unique. The Rhythm Method didn't work well simply because it was assuming that every woman's menstrual cycle was identical. (As an aside, the medical field still uses this assumption to predict baby due dates, which is at least partly responsible for why my OB told me only 5% of children are born on their "due date.") The truth is, women naturally have a cycle that includes menstruation, at least one infertile period, and a fertile period leading up to and including ovulation.* The exact timing of each, however, is different for different women.

So, if every woman is unique, then every NFP relationship is going to be unique. I highly recommend taking a class from an instructor who will work with you one on one. All Catholic marriage prep classes include some kind of NFP overview, but that's not what I'm talking about here. If you want this to be a reliable method (and, when used correctly, NFP is 99% effective - which, glossing over Planned Parenthood's ignorance regarding Natural Family Planning, is more effective than pretty much any method they advertise other than sterilization,) then you need to know how your body, and your cycle, tick. The beauty of learning it during marriage preparation is it takes at least a few cycles to figure out what you're doing, no matter what method** you choose. Once you start to recognize your body's cues, the charting becomes much easier. Our Marquette Method class was awesome, and after over 3 years, I still contact my instructor from time to time with questions.

I'll be honest - Even though I continue to use it because it just makes sense, I first looked into Natural Family Planning because of my Catholic faith. It's impossible for me to talk about it without at least mentioning the spiritual benefits it provides to my marriage, as well as the incredible graces it gives us with our family. My husband's love for me as a whole person, not treating my natural fertility like something that is wrong with me, something that should be ignored and intentionally shut down, is an amazing gift I wish every woman could experience. It constantly improves our communication, keeps us consistently discussing our family goals, and makes sex not just a shared pleasure, but also a shared responsibility. When you don't take each other, or your time together, for granted, amazing things happen. The openness to life is also a little bit of "dying to self." If kids were easy, cheap, and convenient, a lot more people would have a lot more of them. The truth is, you can't be selfish as a parent. You've got things beyond yourself to worry about. And through challenge comes our best growth.

I've really only touched the surface here. So many people wrote amazing posts last week about all the many benefits of NFP: of the one's I've read, this one by The Messy Wife is my favorite. For anyone who wants more information, feel free to contact me. If I don't have the answers, we'll find someone who does!

NFP isn't always easy. But it's always worth it.


*As I'm not an NFP expert or a certified NFP instructor, I can't speak for specific cases where this would not be true. I am unfamiliar with with PCOS or other conditions that affect female fertility, and obviously this statement does not apply to women outside of their fertile years (either prepubescent or post-menopausal). However, the use of NFP to chart cycles (rather than just taking the pill that will mask symptoms, for example) can help many women who have serious irregularities and fertility issues to be properly diagnosed and treated. 

** There are many NFP methods available, which makes it easier than ever to pick one that fits your lifestyle. Want to be as green and low-impact on the environment as possible, using only your body? Try The Billings Ovulation Method. Want a simple, easy way to keep track with widely available instruction? Try Couple to Couple League. Want to use the latest technology to insure the most accurate results, without as much room for human error? Try The Marquette Method! 

Happy 5th birthday... to me?

This past week marked the 5th anniversary of my new life. As I've been deep in thought and reflecting on this, my June was just as busy (if not moreso) than I had anticipated, and blogging once a week certainly didn't happen. Sometimes though, in the case of reflection, proliferation is not nearly as valuable as depth. Contemplation done in the midst of chaos can be far more meaningful.

Back to my spiritual birthday - it was June 26th, 2008. I wrote about my experience of faith a few years ago here, as I was preparing to return to Africa. What was so monumental about that day, that I feel like that's when my life really started?

There are a few more obvious answers. For one, that is the day I met the love of my life, Evan. I'll never forget the way he walked right up to me and gave me a big hug, like we were long-lost friends. Like the gentleman he is, he immediately offered to help me take my bags upstairs to the dorm rooms for orientation. We realized we were in the same group going to Bahir Dar, and conversation took off like a rocket. When I found out he was a computer programmer, I immediately looked back to my upbringing in a house full of wonderfully nerdy brothers. I tried to name drop everything and anything I could think of that I had ever heard about computers, including a simple hang man game I programmed in middle school that I hadn't thought about in YEARS, and certainly couldn't remember one bit about how I did it. Anything to impress this guy who was already blowing me away. To say it was love at first sight is an oft-cliched line and poor representation of what love is. Love is a decision, an act of the will, that grows with time. But it really wasn't "like" at first sight either - it was at first conversation. Communication that flowed (and I'd like to think, still flows) like music, constantly growing, questioning, learning, and seeking. I was, and am, captivated by the desire to grow in relationship with him every day.

That day started a new journey for me spiritually, too. The biggest disadvantage of the cradle Catholic is complacency. Not to say that my faith had never been tested, but it was a child's faith based on rules rather than on understanding the real Truth that is behind the rules. Rules seemingly for the sake of rules, from a Church "parent," seemed sometimes like rules to be broken. I was always active in youth ministry and campus ministry, always involved in clubs and organizations, but in many ways it was for the social aspect. I sometimes felt like I was living a double life: the social Catholic, and the secular - and often very depressed - student. The journey that healed that broken part of me began with Bahir Dar. I learned about how to be open and honest with people, to stop wearing masks and constantly worry about what others would think of me or whether I had enough friends. I learned about joy, real joy, that doesn't come from things or from comforts or even from family - but only from God. And while I still struggle with depression from time to time, that was when I broke through the cloud. That was when a deeper personal relationship with God started. And I often think I started learning to be a truer version of myself - not necessarily different, but new.

It also changed the way I look at the world, at the Church, at those living in poverty, at my own life of comfort... but those are all posts in and of themselves. :)

Of course, looking back, it hasn't always been easy, and I certainly haven't been perfect. I'm still learning more every day, about how to treat others, and how God's "rules," made in perfect love, are to be lived out in the world. I'll always stumble and fall, and I know I never have to pick myself back up alone. It's a struggle, but I need to be gentle with myself for the things I don't know and fail in - after all, I am only (spiritually) 5.

(Sea) Lions and Redwoods and Knights of Columbus, Oh My!

Our relatively calm life took the backseat (pardon the pun) for about 10 days while we set out for a road-tripping adventure - and what an adventure it was!

The first lesson we had in adventuring was that road trips post-children are very different from road trips pre-children. All of the touristy attractions along the way (conveniently located at opportune times in between towns, with all of their bathrooms and diaper changing stations) make so much more sense now. Once we adjusted to the slower pace, we had a lot of fun just being the cheesy tourists we've never been before. We even drove through a Redwood! (I'd attach the picture, but it's still on Evan's phone. It pretty much looked like this though. With a car top carrier. )

Our daughter adored staying in hotels. Every night there was a new room to explore, new outlets to find, and new drawers to learn how to open! Her favorite hotel pastime was definitely playing in the pools - although breakfast buffets were also a pretty big hit. And sea lions. And once we reached our beach house, sand. Really, when you're one, everything is pretty amazing. It's an incredible gift of parenthood to be able to recapture and share in that amazement.

Eventually, after several days of adventuring through aquariums and visiting friends and stopping for the iconic Portland donut, we reached our intended goal for the journey - my family home, and the preparations for my older brother's ordination to the priesthood.

It was a beautiful, chaotic, powerful, and exhausting blur of a weekend. There was lots of hugging and catching up, scurrying around to get from event to event, and some really amazing liturgies. The ordination itself was a beautiful thing to witness - watching eight men lay down their lives for Christ, surrounded by the support of all the priests of the Archdiocese was awesome beyond words. Seeing my brother take his vows, knowing in that moment how happy, excited, and the million other emotions he must have been feeling he was, was something I'll never forget. And, of course, my little girl thought that the Knights of Columbus, with their colorful capes and shiny swords, were the coolest thing ever!

And then there was my brother's first mass. I'm so grateful that we were able to be there to share in his first celebration of the Holy Eucharist. The joy and excitement he shared with the congregation was palpable, even from way up in the choir loft! (I'm sure I'll write plenty of posts about music ministry at some point.)

Out of all of the blur, and the beautiful celebrations, and parties, and joyful events - there is one part of the weekend in particular that I will always treasure. The night before the ordination, my brother invited the family to share in his own version of a bachelor party - a holy hour in the church we all grew up in. It was getting to be late, past the baby's bedtime - but he encouraged all three of us to attend for as long as we could.

We have a chatty baby who loves to sing. There's no sugar coating her love for the acoustics of a church. And in that mostly empty church, surrounded by family, she made a joyful noise to the Lord, singing and praising as only she knows how. Knowing that my brother appreciated, welcomed, and celebrated her prayers along with his during his final night of preparation, still brings tears to my eyes. The love of children and encouragement of their participation in the Christian life is a tremendous gift he brings to the priesthood, and to all of the parents he will shepherd.

Our trip came to a restful close, and we unloaded our car back at the apartment. Everything is much the same as it was before our trip, and yet I'm amazed at the differences that happened in a week. Our little girl learned several new words, like "dog" (which I think is every four legged furry creature - not bad!) and she rushes down the hallway in excitement calling "Dad!" when Evan's keys turn in the door. She's a week older, a week wiser, and life continues to stroll along.

Teething by candlelight

People always talk about childbirth as this horrendous, awful thing. And maybe I really am suffering from that wonderful birth amnesia, but I would posit that there is something far worse than childbirth: Teething.

Obviously, I’m not experiencing physical pain. But dealing with a baby who is absolutely miserable, and you are helpless to aid, is a test of sanity and drive like no other. Particularly when the misery involves fever and an inability to sleep. Let’s just say I’m not all sweetness and roses and patience after 2 days of not sleeping. ;) In some sense, perhaps teething is helping Evan on his journey to sainthood?

It was a rough weekend, the kind where you look at each other and say “WE want kids, we WANT kids, we want KIDS!” Or at least some similar high school cheer to lift your spirits. Going back and forth between complete frustration and giggle fits from lack of sleep is a special kind of bonding experience. We were both amazed at how much closer we felt after 3 days of consistently canceled plans, no sleep, and many failed attempts to try something other than hang out in our living room. Hanging out in the Urgent care for 2 hours consoling a baby with a rather uncomfortable apparatus attached wasn’t exactly the change of pace we’d been hoping for. We both felt a newfound sense of camaraderie after the battle, though.

There was one canceled plan that had an unintended good side, however. I was supposed to sing with the choir at the 5:30pm mass, but since we still had mystery fever at that point, we decided we needed to split up and keep the baby at home. Evan went to 5:30 in my place because she decided not to nap and just wanted mommy, and thankfully, she went to bed by 8:45 and I was able to slip out to the 9pm candlelight mass.

Upon entering the church, I was immediately taken back to so many wonderful high school and college experiences of late night worship. Perhaps it was the exhaustion of my weekend, but 9pm mass felt like a 6am mass after an all night lock-in. The dark church, lit by a combination of dimmed lights and candles, was breathtaking. I picked a seat close to the front, which I haven’t done in a long time, and immersed myself into the blissful silence. My unintended candlelit date with my Lord and Savior was exactly what I didn’t realized I needed, more than anything.

Things weren’t immediately “fixed,” but I felt a similar newfound sense of camaraderie. If Jesus is for us, who can be against us, right? Even if what you’re fighting against is a tiny (and adorable) tooth viciously cutting its way through a baby's gums.

Turning in.

I’m still trying to figure out the balance between the mom I wanted to be or envisioned myself being, and actual real life.

Today was one of those days. I finally packed up my home office, and delivered everything back to my amazing employer for the past two years, the Daughters of Charity.

It all makes sense, of course! From a financial standpoint, hiring childcare in order to work didn’t make much sense. From a family goal perspective, we never wanted to hire childcare in the first place. From a mom-in-the-trenches perspective, trying to accomplish tasks that require deep concentration in time for deadlines was getting nearly impossible the moment the baby went mobile – not to mention trying to make professional phone calls with baby yelling “a-WOO a-WOOOOO!” in the background. It made both the work and the care for the baby extremely stressful – and neither were getting the proper attention as a result. Of course, I left the ultimate decision up to God in lots and lots (and LOTS) of prayer, and found real peace in the decision to move to the next stage of my life as a full-time stay at home mom.

But, all of that aside, the job was amazing. I was never career focused because of my vocational family goals, and always said I never knew what my dream job would be, but I found it when I was hired by the Daughters. My title was a mouthful: “Coordinator for Vincentian Educator Formation.” It was the most fun I’ve ever had, and probably the hardest I’ve ever worked, and definitely the most rewarded I’ve ever felt by a job – present company excluded, as I chase my baby around the room in between sentences. I got to work with the most inspiring people, who do amazing work every single day helping vulnerable and marginalized children. I got to learn more about my Catholic faith and the Vincentian Heritage and meet living saints of our lifetime. It really was the perfect culmination of my education and volunteer experience with the Vincentians and Daughters. And, for that season of my life, it was a wonderful job.

Turning in my stuff today was extremely bittersweet. I made some wonderful friends, and had the best boss anyone could ask for. But watching my baby crawl across the floor, exploring the world – only to come eagerly back to the one person she always knows, and relies on – I know I’ve made the right call.

So that brings me back to the beginning. I’m still trying to figure out the balance between fantasy stay-at-home-everything-organic-and-homemade-mom, and real stay-at-home-loves-being-an-active-part-of-so-many-things-there’s-not-enough-time-to-make-everything-from-scratch-mom, too. I firmly believe that my staying home and dedicating that zeal and enthusiasm to raising our kids is exactly where I’m called to be right now, and it’s an amazing vocation that I feel unbelievably blessed by.

Sometimes knowing all that still doesn’t make the hardest choices feel any easier. 

Distractions

You start unloading the dishwasher, when you hear the phone ring. Mid-conversation, the baby is about to pull your purse on top of herself, and you scoop her out of harms way - only to realize she now needs a diaper change. Then she's hungry, and finally you find yourself standing in the kitchen again wondering why the dishwasher is still full.

While that may be a common loop for parents, we all get distracted in other ways, too. One of my biggest distractions is reading. I can get so absorbed in a good book that I forget I'm reading, and I stop paying attention to and can even completely tune out everything going on around me. "What dishes?" "Sure, she can eat that day-old pasta on the floor." It's great on vacation, and not so great in the middle of a busy afternoon. During Lent, I tried to really control what I was reading, and it was one of the hardest (and most rewarding) Lenten sacrifices I've done. Every time I had the opportunity to read, I forced myself to do a liturgy of the hours or spiritual reading instead. It definitely felt a bit like forcing myself to eat my vegetables, but I felt much healthier afterwards.

Of course, post-Easter it was easy to let up. I have gotten absorbed into several good fiction books since then. But the experience was eye opening, and I keep coming back to it. The more spiritual reading I do, the more connected I feel to my faith. The more connected I feel, the easier it is to pray. The more I pray, the more I am able to live a life tuned to God's frequency. As much fun as the Easter season is, with its discounted chocolates and sunshine, I definitely need a little more Lent in my daily life!

"The Catholic Church is enough."

I read this article from Bad Catholic the other day, and I felt really challenged by it. I often throw around words like liberal and conservative, traditional and progressive, and sadly they have become very much a part of my faith discussions too. The challenge to remember that Catholic literally means universal, and is rendered untrue by any sort of labeling, is a hard one!

I think the "faithful Catholic" modifier was the most important example for me, especially as we so often distinguish between practicing and non-practicing.

You relinquish your claim on “faithful Catholic” the moment you watch porn. You are unorthodox at the precise moment you snap at your children. “Faithful” can scarcely be upheld as a modifier until you’re dead, buried, and canonized. “Trying to be faithful,” maybe, but again, attaching this modifier to Catholicism undermines the fact that striving for faithfulness is implied in simply being Catholic, lending itself to the false idea that there are other types of Catholic to be.

There are many different devotions, lots of different music, and all the different languages of the world that celebrate Catholicism. It's a beautiful and diverse tapestry of people! But for those of us who call the Catholic Church home, we're all united by the fact that we're sinners, and we need Her to get to our heavenly home.

There's the marble I've been looking for!

It's pretty typical 10 month old stuff, really. The sleepless nights (and occasionally, days) associated with teething, learning to crawl, learning to pull herself up, learning to speak and understand words - add in being sick on and off, and it's a miracle that she sleeps at all!

In the midst of all the baby-hubbub, I often find myself surrounded in a war zone by the end of the day, with no energy left to tackle the mess. Enter superman! Evan has become an expert baby-bather, caked-on-food high chair scrubber, and general daddy playground.

However, there's still always one more marble missing in the search for sanity. Needing to feel my own bit of accomplishment, to be the supermom rather than always just the damsel in distress. This is the hardest part, in my opinion, of living far away from family - no backup. Quite by accident, I've discovered a beautiful solution that I highly recommend! Two words: babysitting swap.

Imagine it, stay at home moms. I cleaned my kitchen, sorted my cabinets, bought, brought home, and PUT AWAY my groceries, all without my darling little one pulling on my pant leg or trying to steal the mail. (Well, ok, she still managed to steal the mail when I brought her home. She's good at that.) In a span of about 2 hours, I felt accomplished, productive, and rejuvenated in the odd way that having a clean house does for me. And, for 2 hours today, and 2 hours tomorrow while we watch the other darling little girl, my daughter gets to have a playdate, too.

But the real supermom feeling comes later - when I actually feel like I have something left to give my marriage at the end of the day. And that for me is the pearl of great price!

He makes all things new

Most of the folks who will read this blog probably read the blog I wrote during my time preparing for and in Kenya, A Servant's Song. I really enjoyed sharing my spiritual journey in written form, and I've recently been thinking about how I could continue to do so - and not just be "another mommy blog."

I may not be a Pinterest-worthy chef, or an Etsy artist, but I do manage to find God in my kitchen (no, He wasn't hiding in the tomatoes), and especially in the special moments holding my beautiful baby girl. Parenting is a spiritual journey, and a dying to self as only other parents really understand. He truly has made me new - and I'm constantly learning more about humility, and especially love. But, I'm also the old me, too... and finding that balance is another part of the tapestry.

Sometimes I find the ride to be drastically different than I expected. My faith, lifestyle, and parenting opinions have all become melded together into something I never could have planned - an amalgamation of styles to be good stewards of the earth, devout believers, and still try to survive on a single income in one of the most expensive cities in the United States. But then again, God always has His own plan in mind...

So, I invite you to journey with me, and maybe enjoy a cup of Fair Trade tea, while we muse on the creator of the universe - and the life of a Modern Catholic Parent - Cheerios and all. Welcome!